The Listener Pays

After yesterday's phone call from my daughter, I thought I could do better at listening and not commenting or saying the wrong things today so... I called my daughter and asked her how about her husband is doing after loosing his job yesterday. I listened and tried very hard not to make comments or offers and to just listen. I did.

After hearing about their situation yesterday, I had a horrible night and couldn't sleep at all from knowing their troubles. All night long I kept on thinking about solutions to suggest to them and ways to help.

I wasn't even an accomplished listener yesterday! Do you think it is difficult for a "Listener" to just listen and then put what the listener heard in the back of the listener's mind? NO! NO! NO! How can this work? The listener pays.

I wonder if I can sleep better tonight. Their situation is still the same.

This listener has already paid. Do other listeners pay? They must.

Something is Missing

WHAT is empathy? WHY is it that I can't be nearly as sympathetic and understanding as others are? WHERE has my compassion gone? HOW do I get it back? WHICH way did it go? WHEN will it come back?  

There is something missing and I don't understand.

I have been reading a blog written by an extremely creative and outspoken woman who is dying of cancer and has chosen to live her last two or so months just living and writing about her experience.  I feel sorry for her but can't even think of the words to comment on her blog about any of her decisions as she ruminates on this end of her life. Her honesty and pain are expressed so well that my fingers are frozen and I cannot type one word to let her know I care - and I DO care. Neither can I stop reading what she is writing.

Another sad situation came my way today - not life-threatening (or maybe is really is!) but serious. My son-in-law has been fired from his employment selling tires. He has done his best for many years, working for a large company, and has had the use of a company car, filed all of his paperwork honestly and on time, and just can't understand this. He's not a young man, either, but was a conscientious and dedicated employee. My daughter called to tell me and I had no idea of what to say to give them comfort in this situation. She wanted to share their pain and predicament and, although I felt bad about their crisis, I didn't have the words they need to hear. This bothers me more than I can let them know with compassionate words. 

I know me. I am NOT inconsiderate, mean, ungenerous or cruel. Why can't I express verbally how I really feel? It must be that I just don't have enough of the deep emotional understanding of others' feelings and problems and states of mind.

Now that I know they have such a problem I can think of things I should have said, but didn't!

I could have said, "I can understand why you would be upset under these circumstances," or "Anyone would find this difficult," or "Anyone would have felt the same way," or "Your reactions are totally normal."